Evelyn has had a hard time letting go lately and the truth is, so have I. Leaving for work in the mornings is especially difficult. Evelyn starts to cry immediately and Rowan will go to the window with her little hands on the glass watching me walk to my car. Its heartbreaking.
Even going to the gym is a problem. "Oh, she'll be okay," the daycare girls say. Then Evey will cry and cry until eventually we'll hear our names announced over the speaker to come pick up our children.
The thing is, I would love to be home with them. They are just a day old in this picture, sleeping soundly in the hospital bed next to me. At that moment, it felt like we had so much time together. And all those cliques about time passing are sadder and so much more true than I realized.
I do believe that its good for the girls to see their mom pursuing a career. And I strongly feel that a woman should always be able to support and provide for herself and her family. I would want them to do the same. Yet, our separation is no less heartbreaking.
I begin to wonder why Evelyn is taking it so hard. Perhaps, she wasn't quite ready to be born. She was so angry and surely I should have waited another week or so. Then nursing--she wasn't ready to stop that either. Or moving into her own room. It is all somehow my fault, my inability to provide her with security and comfort.
As soon as she cries I pick her up; holding her close to me, then switching to hold Rowan, then back to Evey again. Making up for all the time I can't be there, trying to stretch our time together. It seems so unfair. I imagine them growing up to be lawyers going to work with me. But that's unrealistic. I hold them and tell them that I'll never leave them. (Though I know one day they'll leave us--and we should encourage them and prepare them--and I remember those cliques about time again.)
Andre says they'll outgrow the separation anxiety--I doubt I ever will.
1 comment:
I'm facing this now as I contemplate how to go back to work. Eva is 17 months, and Savin is almost 3 months. Neither one seems to have trouble being away from me yet, and that kind of confuses and upsets me, like are they just happy and well-adjusted, or do they hate me and cannot wait to escape, or am i so easily replaced? I'm convinced that being a mother is largely about self-doubt. I relate to your baby juggling too. So often while I'm feeding the new baby, I have Eva tugging at my leg with a toy wanting attention. *guilt*
I admire your decision to go back to work and kick ass. I plan on doing the same within the year (wanna give my son the same start his sis got first). As much as it hurts me to think they will leave someday, I think back to how it felt to want to leave when I was a teenager and it all makes sense. So these babies SHOULD be a big beautiful part of our lives, but they can never be our WHOLE lives. We have to work at our careers, enjoy our loving husbands (we're stuck with them longer than the kids ;-)), go out for cocktails with girlfriends, listen to music, run in the park, philosophize into the wee hours, travel the world, etc... We need to live beyond our babies, and I'm convinced this gets easier to do as they grow and need us less. But I know what you mean. That maternal tugging. Ugh. Hellish thing that biology.
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