Funeral planning

I bought a cemetery plot for my father today next to the family in Newberry cemetery. This is a picture of the cemetery I found online. It has actually been nice weather--sunny and cool.

He is right under a tree and close to his grandmother "Mamie" and by his mother's brother and sister who died of TB. It is beautiful and so we also bought one next to it for us. I wanted to bury him somewhere that I would go to again. Somewhere peaceful and serene.

My friend Alexis said planning a funeral was a lot like planning a wedding. To me, it seems like we're planning a shotgun wedding and the bride is missing. Everything is done so quickly and we're just guessing what Dad would want.

Unlike a wedding, the planning is not the stressful part. Its nice to have something to focus on. Should I have "this flower or that flower" is so preferable to the realization that my dad is gone. It is the moments when I'm still and quiet that hurt the most.

I've been dreaming about my dad. The first night we were all getting ready to go to a party. I kept asking if that meant my dad wasn't dead and people would say things like, "silly girl, no, you just need to pick out a dress."

Then the next night he was leaving and handing me money from his pocket. He started to give me a few bills, then just gave me the whole wad of cash saying that he didn't need it. I said, "I don't want any money, just stay here," and he said in his west Texas twang, "oh, well, I best be going." I was crying and saying that I wanted to go too, but he said I couldn't go with him.

The worst part of the dreams is that I wake up feeling like its all just been a bad dream, and that my dad is fine; then I realize that its reality that is the bad part and I hurt all over again.

As awful as this has all been, there is a silver lining in that I have grown close to my cousin Lu and her family. They are so amazing and so loving. They have opened their homes and their hearts to us and really held my hand through this process. Lu went to the funeral home with us, she set up meetings with the cemetery personnel, went to Millsap to the cemetery and even found a minister. I love them so dearly, they are amazing, wonderful, people.

Also amazing, wonderful, people are my sister, mother, and husband. Thank you.